# Colonoscopy Journal:



## FishingCop (Apr 25, 2015)

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend al hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1.. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all: 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


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## JMichael (Apr 25, 2015)

I know at my age I should have had this done already, but so far, I've never had the pleasure. But I can tell you from experience, if they ever tell you they'd like to schedule you for a prostate biopsy,,,,,,,,,,,, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What they neglect to tell you until you are on the table, is that when they say "a biopsy", they really mean "12 to 15 biopsies" as they fully intend to take as many "samples" from every conceivable area of the prostate as you can stand or will allow. And there is no sleeping or pain killers involved in this procedure. :shock:


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## GTS225 (Apr 26, 2015)

Yep....pretty much an accurate accounting of a Colonoscopy. Last thing I remember was a nurse telling me to turn onto my left side so the doctor has "easier access" to where he needs to go.
Good news was, I'm a perfect asshole. ('scuse my language.) Don't need another for ten years. Well, 7 years at this point.

Roger


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## KMixson (Apr 26, 2015)

GTS225 said:


> Don't need another for ten years. Well, 7 years at this point.
> 
> Roger




7 Years? The way time flies you mean day after tomorrow, right? Can't you just wait? Sorry, couldn't resist. :LOL2:


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## bobberboy (Apr 26, 2015)

Been through this twice. It's not pretty. The above description of the "prep" isn't that much of an exaggeration. First of all is the taste of the stuff you have to drink. You can't imaging how foul it is. Then was that night I spent the night sleeping in the bathroom if you can call that sleeping. The day of the "event" was pretty much a low point in life. I was lying on my side and the doc told me I could watch if I wanted. I really didn't but still had this reflexive turn of head towards the monitor just as the camera was zeroing in on the intended point of entry. There are some things the human psyche is just not prepared to confront and one of those things is your own... The camera made something otherwise impossible possible. Oh my! As the final indignity there is the need to deal with the air pumped into you to inflate the bowel so the camera can get a proper look and not damage the passage. My friend described his experience as having enough air inside him to fart "Stairway to Heaven". The nurse asked him if he needed any help. No, just leave me to my shame and misery... 
My younger brother just went through his first experience with this "procedure". I attempted to pass along some words of wisdom but was reduced to explaining the basic fact that at our age and from now on, people will always be attempting to shove something someplace you'd rather they didn't. You can forget about human dignity and self-respect. The humiliations people will endure are pretty amazing.


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## KMixson (Apr 27, 2015)

You know, I was told by a friend that there is a pill you take now and that you no longer have to drink 55 gallons of that awful stuff. Is that true?


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