# Jocularity



## LDUBS (May 13, 2022)

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. 

I thought to myself, “Well, this changes everything!”


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## LDUBS (May 13, 2022)

Jack Claims that he can communicate with vegetables. 

Jack and the beans talk!


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## LDUBS (May 13, 2022)

I had a happy childhood. 

My Dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. 

Those were the Goodyears . . . .


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## LDUBS (May 13, 2022)

The re-opening of LEGO store was a big event. 

People were lined up for blocks!


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## LDUBS (May 14, 2022)

The population of Ireland’s capital city is really growing. 

In fact it’s Dublin.


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## LDUBS (May 14, 2022)

The doctor said he could knock the patient out with gas or a boat paddle. 

Apparently, it was an Ether/Oar situation.


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## GTS225 (May 14, 2022)

RUN! He's on a roll! :LOL2: 

Roger


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## Jim (May 14, 2022)

Omg! hahahahahahahaha


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## LDUBS (May 14, 2022)

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eyes. 

I now have Heinzsight


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## LDUBS (May 15, 2022)

My brand new sweater was full of static electricity

I took it back and they replaced it, free of charge.


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## LDUBS (May 16, 2022)

I WAS ADDICTED TO THE HOKEY POKEY.

BUT I TURNED MYSELF AROUND.


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## Kismet (May 16, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> I WAS ADDICTED TO THE HOKEY POKEY.
> 
> BUT I TURNED MYSELF AROUND.



OK, LDUBS, you crossed the line when you did this last one in upper case letters; you are now guilty of Capital Punishment.

Penalties are severe. #-o #-o #-o


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## LDUBS (May 17, 2022)

Kismet said:


> LDUBS said:
> 
> 
> > I WAS ADDICTED TO THE HOKEY POKEY.
> ...




Hahahah


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## LDUBS (May 17, 2022)

Did you know ants never get sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies . . . .


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## LDUBS (May 18, 2022)

Bought a head of lettuce from a corner grocery called Mommas & Poppas. 

Can't eat it because all the leaves are brown.


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## LDUBS (May 19, 2022)

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. 

There will be no coffin at his funeral.


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## LDUBS (May 20, 2022)

I bought a really classy boxed wine yesterday. 

It is called 'CARDBOARDEAUX'


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## LDUBS (May 21, 2022)

I'm telling everyone about 
the benefits of eating dried grapes. 

It's all about raisin awareness.


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## Jim (May 22, 2022)

Oh god! Think it’s time to lock this one up. LOL!


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## LDUBS (May 22, 2022)

Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. 

I mean seriously, how low can you go.


(Ok, Ok, now this one even has me chuckling)


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## LDUBS (May 23, 2022)

The CEO of IKEA was elected president of Sweden. 

I hear he is still assembling his cabinet.


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## LDUBS (May 24, 2022)

They say back in the 80's everyone carried a boom box. 

Well that's just. stereo type!


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## LDUBS (May 25, 2022)

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. 

What a nice jester.


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## KMixson (May 26, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.
> 
> What a nice jester.



If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.


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## LDUBS (May 26, 2022)

KMixson said:


> LDUBS said:
> 
> 
> > Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.
> ...




Yeah, if you break that bone between the shoulder and elbow, they just laugh. 

I guess it's humerus.


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## Jim (May 30, 2022)

OMG! Hahahahaha


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## LDUBS (Jun 1, 2022)

I thought Monkee Pox was a hoax. 

Then I saw their face, now I'm a believer.


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## LDUBS (Jun 2, 2022)

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. 

It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering.


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## LDUBS (Jun 3, 2022)

I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. 

It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.


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## R2K (Jun 4, 2022)

A guy tried to sell me a coffin 

That’s the last thing I need


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## LDUBS (Jun 4, 2022)

A thief stole the toilet out of the police station. 

As of today, the cops still have nothing to go on.


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## LDUBS (Jun 5, 2022)

I'm thinking of baking some synonym rolls. 

Just like the ones grammar used to make.


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## LDUBS (Jun 5, 2022)

I'm thinking of baking some synonym rolls. 

Just like the ones grammar used to make.


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## Jim (Jun 5, 2022)

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## LDUBS (Jun 6, 2022)

I met an old Hippie's wife. 

Mississippi.


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## LDUBS (Jun 8, 2022)

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. 

She looked surprised.


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## R2K (Jun 8, 2022)

Someone told me I had a booger in my nose

I said it snot


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## LDUBS (Jun 9, 2022)

When I get cold I move over to the corner of the room. 

They are normally about 90 degrees.


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## KMixson (Jun 9, 2022)

Once, I thought I was wrong. But it turns out I was mistaken.


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## schukster (Jun 9, 2022)

KMixson said:


> Once, I thought I was wrong. But it turns out I was mistaken.


So you were wrong twice

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## KMixson (Jun 10, 2022)

schukster said:


> KMixson said:
> 
> 
> > Once, I thought I was wrong. But it turns out I was mistaken.
> ...


Actually, I have been wrong a whole hellava lot more than twice, but that is my story and I am sticking to it.


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## LDUBS (Jun 10, 2022)

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. 

It was tense.


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## LDUBS (Jun 11, 2022)

Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days. 

But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.


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## LDUBS (Jun 12, 2022)

To distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile, 

pay attention to whether it sees you later or in a while.


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## LDUBS (Jun 13, 2022)

Saw a guy collapse on the luggage carousel at the airport. 

He seems to be slowly coming around.


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## LDUBS (Jun 14, 2022)

The guys who invented the merry-go-round and the Ferris wheel never met each other. 

They traveled in different circles.


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## R2K (Jun 15, 2022)

What did the Duck say when he purchased chap stick?

Put it on my bill…


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## R2K (Jun 15, 2022)

Why does the seagull fly over the ocean instead of the bay?

Because they would be called Baygulls


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## R2K (Jun 15, 2022)

Why do they say amen at the end of songs?

Because they are Hymns not Hers


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## LDUBS (Jun 15, 2022)

It's national Diarrhea Awareness Week. 

Runs till Friday.


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## LDUBS (Jun 15, 2022)

R2K said:


> What did the Duck say when he purchased chap stick?
> 
> Put it on my bill…
> 
> ...




Hahaha - that's the spirit!


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## LDUBS (Jun 16, 2022)

A guy told me he was addicted to buying old Beatles records. 

I told him sounds like you need help. 

He says he already has that one.


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## KMixson (Jun 17, 2022)

If an electricians kid gets in trouble, do they get grounded?


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## LDUBS (Jun 18, 2022)

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra. 

The guy on the triangle disappeared.


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## LDUBS (Jun 18, 2022)

I asked this really old looking Pirate how old he was. 

He said Aye Matey.


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## R2K (Jun 19, 2022)

What do you call a love sandwich

Lettuce alone


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## LDUBS (Jun 20, 2022)

50 Cents got hungry. 

So, 58. 


(Please don't ban me for this one).


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## LDUBS (Jun 21, 2022)

Parallel lines have so much in common. 

It's a shame they will never meet.


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## KMixson (Jun 21, 2022)

Three moles are traveling through a tunnel. 
The first on says, "I smell sugar".
The second one says, "I smell cinnamon".
The third one says, "I smell molasses".


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## GTS225 (Jun 21, 2022)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU

Roger


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## LDUBS (Jun 22, 2022)

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. 

It is impossible to put down.


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## Samdog (Jun 22, 2022)

It's no fun being left handed.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


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## LDUBS (Jun 23, 2022)

People accuse me of being skeptical. 

I'm not sure I believe that.


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## LDUBS (Jun 24, 2022)

Guy walked up to a woman in a bar. 

Said "around?"..."to?"..."under?"..."outside?"..."under?"...

I think he was trying to preposition her.


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## LDUBS (Jun 25, 2022)

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help. 

But, I stand corrected.


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## LDUBS (Jun 26, 2022)

I went to a second hand store looking for old Bing Crosby albums and a boom box. 

BOUGHT-A-BING, 
BOUGHT-A-BOOM!


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## KMixson (Jun 27, 2022)

What is the difference between a fish and a guitar? 
You can't tuna fish.


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## LDUBS (Jun 28, 2022)

A cheese factory exploded in France. 

Da Brie is everywhere!


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## KMixson (Jun 28, 2022)

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line.


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## GTS225 (Jun 28, 2022)

Two robins were flying over a golf course after rain and one said,
“I bet there are a lot of worms down there.”
They flew down to one of the greens and found lots of worms.
They ate so many they couldn’t fly.
One robin said,
“Let’s just sit here and bask in the sun.”
While sitting there, two cats came along and ate them.
One cat said,
“There’s nothing I like better than Baskin’ Robins!”


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## LDUBS (Jun 28, 2022)

My wife accused me of being immature. 

I told her to get out of my fort.


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## KMixson (Jun 29, 2022)

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Dam.


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## LDUBS (Jun 30, 2022)

People say: "Nothing rhymes with orange."

But, it doesn't.


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## LDUBS (Jun 30, 2022)

I trained my dog to bring toilet paper. 

He is a lavatory retriever.


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## KMixson (Jul 1, 2022)

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?


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## LDUBS (Jul 1, 2022)

I spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. 

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.


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## LDUBS (Jul 3, 2022)

KMixson said:


> If an electricians kid gets in trouble, do they get grounded?




They would probably be shocked if that happened.


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## LDUBS (Jul 5, 2022)

Knew a guy who had a hard time getting rid of old magazines. 

I guess he had some issues.


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## LDUBS (Jul 6, 2022)

Someone keeps sending me celery and I don't know who it is. 

I think I'm being stalked.


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## LDUBS (Jul 8, 2022)

Difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed guy on a unicycle? 

Attire.


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## LDUBS (Jul 9, 2022)

I'm trying to learn the alphabet but can't get past "X". 

I don't know why.


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## LDUBS (Jul 10, 2022)

I am having some hearing problems. 

Doc asked me to describe the symptoms. 

I told him "Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair".


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## LDUBS (Jul 11, 2022)

I tried to catch fog yesterday. 

Mist.



(I'm kinda scrapping the bottom of the barrel here).


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## Lost But Happy (Jul 12, 2022)




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## Lost But Happy (Jul 12, 2022)




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## Lost But Happy (Jul 12, 2022)




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## Jim (Jul 12, 2022)

:LOL2:


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## LDUBS (Jul 12, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> KMixson said:
> 
> 
> > If an electricians kid gets in trouble, do they get grounded?
> ...




But then again, he might conduct himself better.


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## KMixson (Jul 13, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> LDUBS said:
> 
> 
> > KMixson said:
> ...



That would be best. No need for the kid to amp up the situation.


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## GTS225 (Jul 13, 2022)

Yep.....that could spark a conflict.

Roger


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## LDUBS (Jul 13, 2022)

And best keep the current situation.


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## Lost But Happy (Jul 13, 2022)

:lol:


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## KMixson (Jul 13, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> And best keep the current situation.


 

That's right. Think Positive.


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## LDUBS (Jul 13, 2022)

I'm trying to stay neutral.


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## LDUBS (Jul 14, 2022)

Don't want to be polarizing.


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## LDUBS (Jul 15, 2022)

The janitor got fired for smoking pot. 

I guess they don't like high maintenance people.


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## LDUBS (Jul 16, 2022)

Saw a guy trip and hit his head on a snare drum. 

I think he might have a percussion.


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## LDUBS (Jul 20, 2022)

It was a really emotional wedding. 

Even the cake was in tiers.


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## KMixson (Jul 20, 2022)

What do you call a cheese that is not yours?

Nacho Cheese


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## LDUBS (Jul 21, 2022)

In America it's called an elevator. In Europe it's called a lift. 

I guess we are just raised differently.


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## LDUBS (Jul 25, 2022)

I want to go to the south of France someday. 

I think that would be Nice.


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## LDUBS (Jul 28, 2022)

The fridge was full of stir fry this morning. 

Apparently, I was sleep wokking again.


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## LDUBS (Jul 29, 2022)

Why didn't the spicy pepper practice archery? 

Because it didn't habanero.


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## LDUBS (Aug 10, 2022)

Asked the train conductor how many derailments he has had. 

He didn't know because it was hard to keep track.


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## KMixson (Aug 17, 2022)

If a child refuses to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


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## LDUBS (Aug 20, 2022)

On my morning walk today, I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash.

Must be hard to walk with a pulled muscle.


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## LDUBS (Aug 24, 2022)

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

All this time I thought that he was a theoretical physicist.


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## KMixson (Aug 27, 2022)

I have a disease. I can't stop making jokes about airplanes and airports. The doctor says its terminal.


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## R2K (Sep 1, 2022)

What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? A chicken sees a salad….


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## LDUBS (Sep 1, 2022)

I saw a snake that was 3.14 feet long. 

I think it was a πthon.


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## poorthang (Sep 1, 2022)

LDUBS said:


> I saw a snake that was 3.14 feet long.
> 
> I think it was a πthon.



what was his circumference?


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## GTS225 (Sep 1, 2022)

Purely mathematically, it's circumference would be the same has it's length. Now, if you had meant diameter, that would be 1 foot.

Roger


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## LDUBS (Sep 1, 2022)

A πRsquaredthon!


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## Jim (Sep 2, 2022)

I cant even believe I’m doing this.


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## Jim (Sep 7, 2022)




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## Jim (Sep 8, 2022)

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## LDUBS (Sep 12, 2022)

I went to the Air and Space Museum

But there was nothing there.


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## Jim (Sep 24, 2022)

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## LDUBS (Sep 24, 2022)




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## KMixson (Sep 24, 2022)

A couple old guys visit a steakhouse together, sit down and both order steaks. The waiter brings the steaks and asks if they would like any sauce with their steaks. They say yes and the waiter brings a couple bottles out for them. First guy puts it on his steak and says "wow that's purty good!" The other guy tries it and says "Mmmm! Wha's dis 'ere sauce?!"


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## R2K (Oct 9, 2022)

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## LDUBS (Oct 14, 2022)

I got a really cool new ink pen. It writes underwater!! 

It can write other words too.


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## LDUBS (Oct 14, 2022)

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker. 

Yep, the steaks were pretty high.


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## LDUBS (Oct 16, 2022)

Yep. The average human body has enough bones to make an entire skeleton


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## LDUBS (Oct 19, 2022)

They invented a new rubber polymer airplane that will bounce instead of crash. 

It is made by Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.


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## LDUBS (Oct 19, 2022)

Guy was selling his puppets. 

He would accept any offer. 

Here just wanted someone to take them off his hands.


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## LDUBS (Nov 1, 2022)

Do you think cannibals must like "below knee" sandwiches.


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## Stand Up (Nov 2, 2022)




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## LDUBS (Dec 1, 2022)

Me and some friends put a band together. We named it _999 megabytes_.

Still don’t have a gig, though.


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## LDUBS (Dec 11, 2022)

Abraham Lincoln was right when he said "Don't believe everything you read on the internet".


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## LDUBS (Dec 11, 2022)

Some guy is stealing tires off police cars. 

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.


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## LDUBS (Dec 17, 2022)

Had a pet termite named Clint. 

Clint eatswood.


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